


The Let Go

by CupcakeGirlA



Category: Olympics RPF, Real Person Fiction, Speed Skating RPF, Sports RPF
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-26
Updated: 2011-12-26
Packaged: 2017-10-28 05:14:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/304144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CupcakeGirlA/pseuds/CupcakeGirlA
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes letting go is the hardest thing in the world to do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Part 1

Sometimes it was like this. With neither of them saying a word the entire time. No names. No pleas for more, for harder, for faster. No crying out to deities or begging for mercy. Instead their bodies do the talking and it is all subtle body cues and broken syllables that make no sense, hoarse cries, pleading whines, and when things get really good unintelligible screams. Apolo isn’t going to complain. Times like this are different from the usual way, less controlled, more animalistic. It was times like this that proved to him that their bodies were meant for each other. They know each other’s physical reactions as well as they know their own. Know where to touch, and scratch, and pull. When to tug, and press, and bite. He knows if he wants JR to shift over into the middle of the bed, all it would take is a hand applying firm pressure to JR’s hip. And JR knows if he wants Apolo’s dick deeper inside him, a squeeze of his thighs against Apolo’s waist would get the message across. Apolo knows what it means when JR’s voice takes on that breathy awed tone and his hands scrabble desperately across the sheets. JR knows what the little extra hitch in Apolo’s thrusting hips means, and how to press up to make each thrust inside just right for both of them, as they hurdle toward the edge together.

JR’s body is all hard muscle and smooth skin. It’s so like Apolo’s in size and strength but different at the same time. JR’s skin is darker, less hairy, his torso longer, his chest half covered in tattoo. These are things Apolo is always aware of but it’s only during times like this that it stands out so sharply, that he takes time to reexamine and experience all the differences that make JR, JR. He lingers over a curve of muscle, the line of a raised vein. He studies JR in detail, knows JR is doing the same to him. He kisses and licks, following a black line of ink with his tongue, always expecting that place to taste different somehow, and always surprised to find it doesn’t. It tastes like every other inch of JR’s skin. Clean and masculine, sometimes salty with perspiration, and always with a touch of tangy spice that’s uniquely JR. Apolo bites at a nipple, watching JR’s head fly back, a groan making its way out of his extended throat. Apolo grins, sitting up some to readjust his position between JR’s thighs. JR's legs clamp down around Apolo’s waist, pulling him in tighter, faster.

When it was like this, it was perfect. Hot and heady. They drip sweat, skin sliding against skin, hands grasping, and voices left rough and hoarse in the morning. Someone will end up with bruises; most likely they both will. And someone will end up with at least one good scratch down their back, usually Apolo, or an inappropriate hickey, most often JR. And after times like this, those marks are always worn with pride instead of embarrassment. But this time Apolo can’t let that happen. No marks. Not this time. So he holds JR’s wrists to the mattress, and ignores the way JR squirms. The way he always does when he wants to be let up and Apolo won’t let him go. He increases the pace of his hips, and JR stops squirming and goes limp beneath him, eyes unfocused and glazed with pleasure. His mouth drops open with a breathy moan, and he tightens around Apolo’s dick, ass clamping down, as his body goes taunt and he comes between them. Apolo keeps thrusting, through JR’s orgasm, picking up his pace and leaning down to kiss JR’s slack mouth. JR grunts, quickly coming back to himself. He lets JR twist his arms free, feels them wrap around his back, as JR tugs him in closer, flexing his hips up to take each press just right. His lips sucking at Apolo’s, teeth grazing Apolo’s chin. Apolo doesn’t want it to end; doesn’t want it to be over. But he can’t hold out not when JR knows just how to make him want it, and how to make him fall over that edge. He does so with a cry, eyes closing as the pleasure rises and crests and he comes deep inside of JR’s ass. He collapses against the younger man, panting, letting JR roll him off onto his side, before pulling the taller man closer. He loves the way JR’s body molds to his, how it’s curved and alternatively sharp in all the best places. His hands move slowly across JR’s smooth skin as his heart rate returns to normal, eyes still closed. He doesn’t want to meet JR’s gaze.

“That was perfect,” JR says quietly, and Apolo feels a hand card back through his sweaty hair. Apolo hums in response. He needs a haircut, but his Dad would take care of that soon enough.

“Yes,” he says softly in reply. He doesn’t want to have this conversation.

“It’s always perfect,” and JR’s voice is teasing so Apolo smiles when he replies.

“Yes.”

“So then why are you marrying her?” JR asks. Apolo sighs, blinking his eyes open. He feels he owes JR at least that much.

“You know why,” he says. JR frowns.

“Because you love her. Because she’s a great girl, and you don’t want to hurt her,” JR replies. Apolo nods. “You love me don’t you? I’m a great guy, everyone, yourself included, always says so. So why is it ok to hurt me?” JR asks.

“You know it’s not the same thing,” Apolo says. JR moves away then, untangling himself, and sitting up. Apolo reaches out to stop him, but JR pulls away sharply.

“Try and touch me again right now, and you can explain to your bride why you’re getting married tomorrow with a black eye!” he growls. Apolo lets his hand drop.

“You knew this was coming. You’ve known for months. This has to happen. This is my future!” Apolo pleads. JR shakes his head reaching for his clothes, spread out across the floor of the suite. He pulls his underwear on, then his pants, getting down on hands and knees to search for his second shoe. “JR? Please!” JR glares at him, as he sits down in the desk chair to tie his shoes.

“Your future?” JR asks scoffing. “And what about my future? We’ve been doing this for 4 years, Apolo. 4 years! I haven’t had a relationship with anyone else since fucking high school! And now you’ve decided that your future is living a heterosexual life with your perfect heterosexual wife and making perfect little heterosexual-sex-conceived babies. Well I’m sorry if that doesn’t sit too well with me. Even if I have known for the last six months that this day was coming. It doesn’t make it hurt any less. It doesn’t piss me off any less to know you love her too. That doesn’t make it better!” JR growls. Apolo watches him pull his t-shirt on, backwards.

“You will have a wonderful future, JR. It just won’t be with me. It was never meant to be with me!” Apolo says. JR rolls his eyes. “Think about it! You’re going to Sochi next year. You’re going to go kick ass and win medals, and be amazing. The last thing you need is a scandal ruining all of that!” Apolo reasons. JR blinks at him.

“Seriously, Apolo? You’re trying to make it seem like you’re doing this for me? Fuck you! You’re doing this because you’re a selfish asshole. Something I’ve always known and accepted about you without question. But not this time, enough is enough. You want to go and marry your ice-queen? Go right ahead! But I won’t pretend like you’re not fucking me over in the process!” JR says, scooping up his cell-phone and heading for the door.

“JR?” Apolo says, and JR freezes at the tone of his voice. “Are you going to come tomorrow or not?” he asks. JR’s shoulders slump, but he doesn’t turn around.

“I’ll be there. I’ll even play the perfect groomsmen. But I’m doing it for only one reason, Apolo. I need to see and hear it from right-up close to believe it’s really happening.” And with that, JR opens the bedroom door and leaves. The suite’s door slamming shut behind him a few seconds later. Apolo slumps back against the mattress and stares up at the dark ceiling. This entire situation is one big mess.

 

Apolo does get married the next evening in a lovely sunset ceremony on a California beach. And JR is there acting the part of the perfect groomsmen, just as he’d promised. But no matter how hard Apolo tries to get JR alone for just a minute, JR doesn’t let it happen. He’s always in the middle of a conversation, or on his way to get a drink for someone, or completely gone. It is 2 hours into the reception that Apolo realizes that JR is simply not there anymore. He asks Travis if he knows where he’s gotten off too. Travis just shakes his head.

“Said he had a headache and was going to take off. I think he was still hung-over. The dude looked tired. Just how much trouble did the two of you get up too last night?” Travis asks with a smile. Apolo forces a laugh.

“Neither of us will ever tell, Trav! You can bet on that!” he jokes.

“Ahh, the infamous boy’s night out?” a voice asks. Apolo turns to see Michelle standing there. She looks beautiful in her white gown, slender shoulders and strong arms visible in her strapless dress, above a flared skirt. She looks like a princess, or no, JR had been right the night before, she looks very much the part of the ice-queen that Apolo and the rest of the world know her to be. There’s a tiara in her long dark hair, which is all piled up high on her head, and silver make-up above her eyes. She smiles as Apolo, and he can’t help but smile back. She presses close and he wraps his arm around her.

“Yes, which I refuse to tell you anything about!” Apolo tells her. She laughs, her head thrown back, snuggling into his side.

“You just don’t want me mad at you right before the honeymoon! But fine, keep your dirty little secrets! I shall never reveal what my sister and I got up to last night. So fair is fair!” she smiles teasingly as she says it making Apolo laugh too.

“It’s a deal,” he says. Someone catches her eye across the ballroom, someone waving to her excitedly, and she waves happily back.

“Can I leave you unsupervised for five minutes?” she asks. Apolo rolls his eyes while Travis laughs loudly.

“Yes,” he replies. She grins, and standing on tip-toe in her heels presses her lips to his. He kisses her back, cupping the side of her face with his hand, and letting her pull away with obvious reluctance. She smiles at Travis.

“I’m so glad you could come, Travis,” she hugs him around his waist, and when he nods at her she turns from them both to hurry across the crowded room. Apolo watches her until she greets the person who had waved a moment before, then turns to Travis who is snickering beside him.

“So whipped,” Travis teases. Apolo laughs, shrugging his shoulders. It’s true. He is.

“Says the guy wrapped around Dudek’s right pinky!” he shoots back, waving his right pink in Travis’s face. He watches Travis smile goofily and blush red.

“How did you land Michelle Kwan of all people? You totally don’t deserve a girl like that,” Travis says changing the subject.

“Just lucky I guess. So, when do you guys have to head back?” he asks, grabbing a glass of champagne from a passing waiter. Travis eyes it enviously, but doesn’t grab one for himself. Apolo smiles in approval.

“Bright and early tomorrow morning. The whole team has to get back to work. Sochi is only 18 months away. And we’re only a year out from Trials. We’re lucky you included practically the entire staff of the oval, coaches and trainers especially, with your invites or we probably wouldn’t have gotten this much time off.” Apolo feels a lump form low in his stomach. JR will be leaving in the morning. He won’t get a chance to talk to him now. Not until after the honeymoon at least. Apolo nods as Travis goes into their new training schedule heading into world cup season. But inside he’s thinking about nothing but JR.

 

When Apolo and Michelle get back from their weeklong stay in Hawaii, Apolo tries to call JR. He just wants to know the younger man is doing ok and how his training is going. Or at least that’s what he tells himself. But JR’s cell phone number has apparently been disconnected. He calls around and finds out JR had changed it while he was gone. But Simon is more than happy to give it to him. So later that night, while Michelle is doing the dishes (she had insisted, since Apolo had cooked), Apolo heads up to the quiet of the gym and dials the new number. It seems to ring forever before JR picks up.

“What do you want?” JR asks.

“I just want to talk to you, JR,” Apolo replies. He sits down on the weight bench, and leans over, resting his head in his palm. “Were you even going to tell me you changed your number?” There’s a sigh on the other end of the line.

“No, I wasn’t. We’re over. You’re married remember, or have you already gotten tired of her? I don’t want to talk to you, Apolo. Why do you think I changed it to begin with?”

“Simon said some fans got a hold of it. It’s happened to all of us on occasion…” there’s silence on the other end of the line. “You really weren’t going to tell me? What? Suddenly we aren’t even friends anymore?” Apolo asks. He can practically hear JR roll his eyes.

“I don’t want to be your friend, Apolo. Why would I want to stay friends with my ex? That’s not exactly the normal response when your lover leaves you to go marry someone else. You don’t just say, ‘Oh, well at least he’ll make a really good friend!’ and go merrily on with your life,” JR explains. Apolo sighs.

“I miss you,” he says quietly. There’s silence on the other end of the line, and when JR finally responds his voice is like ice.

“Well than maybe you should have married me instead of her.” Apolo’s mouth drops open in shock. “Don’t call me. Don’t contact me. I don’t want anything to do with you anymore, Apolo. You made your bed, now go fuck your wife in it.” It takes Apolo nearly a minute to realize JR has hung up on him.

 

Apolo, hoping JR would calm down and eventually see reason, backs off. He doesn’t call JR. He doesn’t text him or email him. He doesn’t even tweet him. And he certainly doesn’t try and see him. And for six months things seem to settle into a routine. He’s married now, and Michelle fits comfortably into his life. Michelle is great. She’s beautiful, smart, and kind. She’s dedicated to living an active healthy lifestyle just like he is. But also wants with all her heart to make a difference in the world, just like he does. And Apolo really does care for her. They’re happy together. He sees the approval in his father’s face when they go to visit, and knows he’s made the best possible choice. But the whole time there’s this ache in his chest. He misses JR. Even when he’s forcing himself to not think of him, he still notices the big empty space where JR had used to be.

They’d been separated by space and time zones pretty often in the past. But they’d always been in contact. Apolo never went anywhere without his cell phone. And they’d made time for each other. JR had twice, taken the spring the team got off from training to head to LA. He’d gone to visit his friends in the area, doing light work on his form with his old coach Wilma Boomstra a couple days a week, and spent much of the rest of his time hanging out with Apolo. The first spring that comes without JR’s usual arrival takes Apolo by surprise, and even Michelle comments on his out of the ordinary moodiness. So Apolo throws himself into staying busy with work and various projects. He lands a recurring role on a new cop drama set in LA. It’s steady work, but not too demanding, just taking up a few days each month. And he starts working on a new book. It’s an inspirational book for teens on eating healthy, living active lifestyles, staying focused on their goals, and avoiding negative peer pressure in order to make good choices. It’s a book he’d desperately needed as a young teenager himself, and he has high hopes it will help at least a few kids from going down a bad path. The book however stalls halfway through. He’s working on a chapter about accepting yourself for who you are, and he can’t get it to sound authentic. He doesn’t know what the problem is. But after several rewrites, he leaves it unfinished and moves on to a chapter about goal setting and visualization. He figures he can go back and work on the problem chapter later on.

It’s during the 7th month of his marriage that things seem to change. NBC, who has signed Apolo up to be a featured commentator at the Sochi games for the speed-skating events, sends him to World Cup 5 which is being held almost exactly 1 year before from the start of the Olympic Games. The primetime special “1 Year Out” is designed to focus on Gold Medal hopefuls for team USA from various sports. The network is starting to build hype for the next year’s games and trying to begin predicting their medal chances for the following year. So Apolo finds himself walking into his first short track competition in quite a while. Outside he’s calm cool and collected. But inside he’s a nervous wreck. He wants to see JR. He wants to be near him again, touch him again, hear his voice, and see his smile.

He hadn’t been able to resist watching that season’s previous competitions whenever he’d been able to clear his schedule. Michelle had merely rolled her eyes, smiled at him indulgently, and left him to it. And when he wasn’t able to clear the time to watch the streaming coverage, he’d checked his phone compulsively for updates on the results. So he is aware that one year before the games, JR has been completely dominating for months. Not only leading the US team in medals and points but most of the world too. He’s won medal after medal. Excelling at not just the distance races where he’d always specialized, but also the shorter sprint races too. It had intrigued Apolo, seeing JR so unnaturally focused, his face set in determination in the grainy video feed on his computer screen. NBC sport execs had noticed too, and they’d chosen JR as the focus on the short track part of the special.

So he’s excited to see JR again on a personal level but also on a professional one. He wants to see JR win in person. And he does. He definitely does. He and the camera crew miss their first flight, so he gets to the competition in the middle of day 2. They get to the rink just in time to see the start of the evenings finals. He lets the two man crew set up the cameras to start filming the races, and sits back to enjoy the show.

The US team does outstanding. Lana and Aly especially come out flying in the 1000m A final. He can barely contain his excitement when they both medal, coming in second and third behind a Korean skater. When it’s the guys turn to race it he’s not sure who to expect. He hadn’t managed to get a hold of a start sheet when they’d first arrived. But it doesn’t take him long to recognize the two Kyles, Kyle C and Kyle U, when they step out onto the ice for the B final. They race well, coming in 3rd and 4th. But Apolo’s excitement has him standing up when JR steps out on the ice for the A final. He looks good, Apolo decides. He smiles at a cheer from Simon Cho sitting on the side lines, and fist bumps Travis Jayner as they both line up at the start in lanes 2 and 3. He has a strong start, and he’s in the lead by the third lap, and never relinquishes it. He keeps his head down, and Apolo can tell from his body language that he’s acutely aware of the skaters trying to come up behind him, but they don’t get the chance to make their move because he doesn’t let them. He finishes in first, with Travis placing with a respectable and last-second third. Apolo cheers with the rest of the audience as JR skates his very short victory lap. It’s the third time he’s won that race this season, making him a favorite for the World Championship title in March. Apolo’s kind of inordinately proud of him. After all, he could take no credit for JR’s hard work and natural talent.

It’s while the ice is being resurfaced, that Apolo makes his way down to the floor, and behind the scenes. You can get pretty far with a familiar face and a press pass. The Team USA locker room is across the hall from where it had been the last time he’d been there competing several years before, but it’s still pretty easy to spot. Loud, familiar laughter ringing out through the closed door doing more to label it for team USA, then the small printed out sign. He knocks.

The door opens to Simon’s smiling face, and a second later, Apolo finds himself being hugged by the younger man, who seems to have grown at least another inch since Apolo had last seen him, and then yanked into the room. He’s greeted enthusiastically by the men and the women, coaches and athletes. But Apolo can’t help but notice that JR doesn’t step forward to get a hug, just rotates around the room in the rush and the chaos, and retakes his seat without coming within 3 feet of Apolo.

Apolo ends up sitting across the room from him, sandwiched between Lana and Katherine. He’s grilled on why he’s there and why he hadn’t told any of them. He knows if he’d told even one of them they’d all have known within an hour. Apolo laughs.

“I’m here with NBC. They’re doing a special on likely medalists in Sochi. I’m doing the short track segment,” Apolo says with a smile. He watches with amusement as Simon leaps up and presents himself.

“So of course you’re here to interview me right?” he says wiggling his eyebrows. Apolo laughs and shakes his head.

“Nah, the execs want Mr. Celski,” he says looking toward JR, who is frowning at him, arms crossed over his chest. JR shrugs his shoulders.

“Simon would be a much more interesting story,” JR says. His voice is almost emotionless, and takes Apolo by surprise. This is not the JR he knows. But no one else seems to notice the strangeness of his inflection. Simon actually laughs and plops back down.

“Of course they want JR!” he says rolling his eyes. “Mr. High Points Standing Multi-Medal Winner,” he says lowly, exaggerating his offense. “They just like him cause he’s so pretty!” he leans over then to mess up JR’s hair, but JR ducks away, smacking at Simon’s hand, a smile spreading across his face. But it fades fast.

“Seriously though, you guys should interview someone else, I’m kind of tired,” JR says, picking at the outer seam of his skinsuit. Apolo watches Travis frown.

“JR, they want you. This is an NBC special. You can’t turn that down! Especially if Apolo is hosting it. You know how many people will tune in to watch. You have to look at this as the opportunity it is! Your sponsors will love it. And you might even make a few more deals if you’re featured on this show,” Travis says.

“Besides I promise not to ask you what your favorite color is, how you got your name, what it feels like to be my ‘protégé’ or if you have a girlfriend,” Apolo says trying to get a laugh out of JR. Practically everyone else in the room does burst out laughing. And he gets a small smile and rolled eyes from JR, before their impromptu gathering ends abruptly. The women’s 1500m finals are up soon and the girls have to get ready to go back out.

Apolo watches the hustle and bustle of everyone getting ready and for just a moment he wishes it was four years ago and he was getting ready right along with him. The longing for the ice hits him in the chest and almost takes his breath away. He sinks down in his chair, watching everyone retie their skates and scoop up their helmets. Travis and JR both get up to get ready to race the 1500 A final. Apolo pointedly does not look in JR’s direction as he pulls his t-shirt off, tossing it into his gym bag to pull his suit back up from around his waist.

He wishes everyone good luck, and when the room is empty again, he stands up from his chair, and leaves to go watch his old teammates race and win.

JR texts him a little while later, from what Apolo assumes is the heat-box, to tell him he won’t do the interview until after the competition is over. Apolo lets the crew know, and they call to find a room at the hotel where they can set up for the interview. They end up choosing one of the hotels rentable conference rooms, and get the ok from JR to meet them there the following evening.

By the time the competition is finished on Sunday night, JR’s won two gold medals, two silvers medals, and has enough points to have a medal at World Championships on lock. Apolo’s unbelievably proud.

JR shows up for the interview exactly on time, greets everyone with a detached sort of smile, and sits down for the interview. There are a multitude of topics Apolo’s been asked to cover. Everything from nutrition and training, to family life, and goals post skating career. He asks about school, about sponsors, about JR’s last trip to the games, and his hopes for Sochi. They talk on camera for over half an hour, and get plenty of footage for the special. Apolo’s tempted to keep JR talking, keep the interview going just so he can keep sitting with him, hearing him speak. But his professionalism and the fatigued look in JR’s eyes after a weekend of competing has him wrapping the whole thing up after almost 45 minutes. JR looks relieved when it’s over, and sits still while the sound guy gets his mike off and packed away. Apolo stands up when JR does, and asks if they need anything else from him. Jed, the videographer shakes his head.

“Nah, we’re good. You go on up. We leave in the morning?” he asks. Apolo nods, and bids the sound guy Rick a goodnight. They both shake JR’s hand, congratulating him on his medals, and go back to packing up equipment. Apolo waves goodbye, and leaves on JR’s heels. He follows JR to the elevator.

“JR, wait,” he says pleadingly. JR stops next to the elevator, and reaches out for the up button. He crosses his arms over his chest, and looks at Apolo with wary eyes.

“What do you want? I gave you your interview,” he says, staring up at the numbers above the elevator, watching them slowly count down.

“I want to talk to you,” JR rolls his eyes.

“We just talked for almost an hour. What more is there to say?” he asks. Apolo reaches out to touch JR’s elbow, but the younger man’s glare stops him.

“I think there is a lot that we need to say. I just want to talk to you. Please?” he asks. JR sighs. The door opens beside them and JR steps into the empty elevator. Apolo stares after him. The doors start to close but JR reaches out and holds them open.

“Are you coming or not?” he asks. Apolo steps inside. “What floor? I don’t want you in my room. Besides we can’t talk openly in front of Simon,” he says. Apolo reaches over and presses the button for the 5th floor.

JR walks into the hotel room, looks around with more interest that another random anonymous hotel room should really garner, and then plops down in the desk chair as far away from the bed as he can get. He slumps low, legs spread, and hands on his knees.

“So what do you want to talk about?” he asks, his face devoid of any type of emotion. Apolo takes a deep breath and sits down on the side of the bed closest to JR.

“I just wanted to tell you how proud I’ve been of your skating this season. You’ve been doing phenomenally well. I know how hard you must be working. I wanted to ask how you’re doing. If you’re ok.” JR stares at him as he says this, before shaking his head, looking vaguely confused.

“Thanks, I guess. I’m training all the time. I’ve got a nutritionist now, who’s done wonders for me. And I’m spending more time on dry-land exercises and strengthening and conditioning than I was before. It’s made a big difference. Personally? I’m fine,” JR says it all rapid fire, before bracing his arms on the sides of the chair to stand up. “If that’s all?” Apolo sighs, and JR plops back in the chair, crossing his arms over his chest. “What?” he asks, all civility leaving his tone.

“I want to know how you’re really doing, JR. We were together for a long time. I care about you. I thought we were friends first. You won’t talk to me. You won’t let me come see you. I just want to know how you’re doing,” he says, tone pleading. JR shifts his position in the desk chair. Resting his elbows on his knees, he leans forward, frowning.

“What you really want to know is if I miss you. If I’m seeing someone else. If I’m haunted by the heartbreak of our ruined love affair,” his voice turns mocking, before dropping low again. “And the answer is it’s none of your damn business!” Apolo flinches back. “How I feel about our break-up is of no concern to you. And whether I’m dating anyone is definitely not something I would ever want to discuss with you. So do us both a favor, and let it go! Let it all go! You’re going to be around. You’re way too much a part of short track in the US to ever go away like I wish you would. I have to deal with that. But I don’t need this type of prying from you,” he stands up then, tugging his t-shirt down in what Apolo knows is a nervous gesture before starting for the door. Apolo jumps up too, snagging JR by the arm, and pulling him back around.

“You act like I’m trying to hurt you,” he says. JR tugs on his wrist, and Apolo lets him go, but JR doesn’t move away. “You act like I’m getting off on torturing you, or reminding you about what happened. But I care about you, JR. I always have. I always will. Why can’t you see that?” he asks. JR’s face tenses, his whole body going rigid.

“Because it’s not enough! It’s not fair. And it’s not fucking enough!” he growls. He pushes at Apolo’s shoulders, forcing him to take a step back. “You chose her. And I was left with nothing but the ice while she got everything. She got you. And now here you are showing up out of nowhere, and I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to be near you. It’s too hard!” he says, hands tightening in the front of Apolo’s dress shirt. And Apolo can see the tears in JR’s eyes. He feels his chest constrict at the sight. JR doesn’t cry over small things. And he’s never been the reason for JR’s tears, at least not that he’d ever witnessed before.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, hands going to JR’s biceps, “I’m so sorry. JR…” he doesn’t continue. He can’t continue, because JR’s pressing against him, hands pulling him closer, his lips smashed to Apolo’s. Apolo gasps, his mouth opening, and JR’s tongue dives quickly inside. Apolo’s hands slide around JR’s shoulders to his back, tugging him in tighter, and he feels JR’s hands sliding down to tug up his shirt. The rough slide of callused fingers across his abdomen, has Apolo pulling away groaning, both of them panting for air.

JR wastes no time, tugging up the cotton fabric, pulling it off of Apolo’s body, hands immediately sliding over bared skin. Apolo gasps, at nails sliding across the line of his ribs, and pulls JR in closer by the hips. JR bucks forward and the force of the unexpected action has the two of them tumbling backwards onto the bed. JR’s mouth takes his again, his hands relearning the terrain of Apolo’s chest. Apolo pulls JR’s hips into his, JR’s legs falling to straddle the tops of Apolo’s thighs. He listens for JR’s breathless grunt at the feel of their growing erections pressing together, and smiles when he hears the familiar sound. His hands slide up JR’s hips, to slip under the back of his US Speedskating issued t-shirt.

JR’s skin is as silky smooth as he remembers it being, and he moans at the way JR rocks their hips together, causing that perfect friction between them, even through numerous layers of clothes. He pulls his mouth free of JR’s, arching his neck backward, his eyes sliding closed.

“Oh God,” he breathes, gasping for oxygen. JR freezes against him, hips stilling, hands going motionless. Apolo opens his eyes to look up at JR, who is staring down at him with wide shocked eyes. His shock fades quickly, turning to a mix-mash of emotions that Apolo can’t easily decipher. But they settle quickly on disgust, as JR pulls first his hands away, and this his whole body. He stands up off the bed, tugging his shirt down, and sliding hands up through his hair to straighten it. “JR?” he says quietly, sitting up. JR shakes his head, pulling on his shoes. When had he taken them off? Apolo wonders. “JR?” he says again. But JR doesn’t answer. He slides his second shoe on without untying the laces, and starts for the door. Apolo jumps up to follow him. “JR!?” he says again, reaching for him. But JR wheels away from his grip.

“Don’t!” he says, sounding angry. “I won’t do this. You chose her. You made promises to her! And if my Momma taught me anything Apolo, it was that you don’t sleep with a married man!” Apolo stepped back at the vehemence of JR’s words, and watched helplessly as JR left the hotel room, slamming the door behind him.

Apolo slumps to sit on the end of his bed, he rests his head in his hands, and closes his eyes.

What in the hell was he going to do with himself? Things couldn’t go on like this.

 

On the plane ride home, Apolo thinks. He doesn’t want to examine why he’s made the choices he has. He only seems able to focus on what he wants now. He gets home to an empty house. There’s a note on the kitchen counter from Michelle. She’s in NYC for the next few days, and she loves him.

Apolo sighs, fixes himself a sandwich and goes to eat it in the living room. He sits down on the couch, and reaches for the remote, but stops himself. He sits back and picks at the stale bread of on his plate. He sits and he contemplates in the quiet of his living room.

What does he want out of the rest of his life? He ignores career ambitions and that type of nonsense. That’s now what he’s focusing on here. But instead he thinks about his personal life. He wants a family. At least two kids. Maybe three. He wants a home and someone to grow old with. A life of love and happiness. This he knows is how his life would play out with Michelle. And it would be a good life. But what about JR? He’d never even contemplated a life with JR. So how could he discount it as a possibility so easily? He leans forward to set his plate on the coffee table and looks around the home he’d started building with his wife. What would it be like to live here with JR? He closes his eyes and imagines.

The living room morphs in his mind’s eye. Some changes are subtle, others major. The couch switches to black and leather. Comfort winning over style. The entertainment system grows, the cabinet hiding it disappearing in favor of video game equipment, and stacks of DVDs. The coffee table transforms from a wooden table covered in art books into a glass top table covered with remote controls and sports magazines, a stack of textbooks in the corner. The pictures on the mantel over the fireplace multiply, going back over a decade and showcasing mostly “their” friends not just his friends and her friends.

In his mind he steps through the front door, a bag of carry-out in his hands. He calls out for JR, and walking through the house finds him in the back hallway. He’s sweaty, fresh from the home gym, but his smile, when he sees Apolo, lights up his whole face and nearly stops Apolo’s heart. He shakes his head mentally moving on to other areas of the house. He imagines arguments over who gets which spot in the garage, over whose turn it was to do the dishes, or wash the laundry. And then he imagines the bedroom and nights spent like their last night together, only without the sadness and the pain. Instead it’s just the perfection.

But that isn’t all he wants from his life. What about a family? Kids? This is something he’s never even considered with JR. But he makes himself do so now. He imagines himself with JR. Bringing home a baby girl, midnight feedings, and bumbling their way through dirty diapers and colic. He pictures JR holding their child and blood relation or adopted suddenly doesn’t mean squat. The images keep flooding Apolo’s mind and all he’s left to do is repeat over and over to himself: Now what?

Michelle is gone for 3 days and Apolo spends every spare minute of those 3 days weighing his options. Was he willing to break his vows and end his marriage to a wonderful woman who he really did honestly love? Or was he a man of his word who doesn’t go back on promises of forever?

He imagines telling Michelle. His Dad. The Public. And it all makes his heart race and his stomach churn. He doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t even know where to begin. Does he even have the option of back tracking now? Or is he in too deep? Would he really want to give up what he has now for the possibility of JR maybe taking him back? Was it worth it to even consider going down that path? He could stay married to his wife and be happy. He could see staying with Michelle and having that fairytale life of a family and kids. All it would mean losing was JR.

He has to choose. And the sooner, the better.

 

“How am I supposed to react to this?” Michelle asks. Apolo shrugs his shoulders. After several weeks of contemplation and thinking about it over and over in his head, he’s told his wife he is in love with someone else. He has no intentions of leaving her, but he feels like he needs her to know.

“I don’t have a clue, Michelle. But you deserve to know. I owe you the truth.”

“My husband is in love with someone else. A man!” she throws her hands into the air, pacing back and forth in front of him. “What exactly am I supposed to do with this now?”

“I don’t expect you to do anything with it. I just felt that you needed to know.”

“So what now? Are you divorcing me?” she asks, sitting down on the other end of the couch. Apolo sighs. He wants to pull her close against his side. But somehow he doesn’t think the gesture of comfort would really be appreciated just then.

“No. I..” he leans forward to cradle his head in his hands. “I don’t know. My head is all screwed up! I don’t know what to do!” he stands up from the couch, his frustration boiling over.

“Apolo?” she says softly. “When did this start?” she asks. Apolo turns to look at her.

“When did I realize I was less than perfectly straight or when did I fall in love with him?” Michelle stands up, holding out a hand in his direction. All the fight leaves Apolo’s body at the gesture, and he takes her hand, letting her pull him back over to the couch.

“You haven’t even told me who ‘he’ is,” she says quietly. She sits down close to him. “You’re my husband. Talk to me.”

“You’ll know who he is if you think about it hard enough,” he says, looking away from her. Her forehead creases in concentration. It only takes a few minutes of contemplation before she gasps and looks at him.

“JR?” she asks. Apolo nods. “He was the only one of your old teammates who never seemed to want to get to know me. He always kept his distance. And ever since the wedding he hasn’t called or visited…”

“He’s very hurt and very angry with me, and with good reason. Michelle, I left him to be with you. He still hasn’t forgiven me for it. Even if we did decide to end our marriage, and I am not saying that is what I want, things are over with him. He hates me now. I broke his heart and he wants nothing to do with me, personally or professionally.” Michelle nods in understanding.

“What concerns me Apolo is that you’ve kept this from me for all this time. Were you seeing us both at the same time?” Apolo nods, looking away from her. “And now, even months later you still think about him. You still want him. It’s obvious you do. This isn’t a question of us accepting that you feel this way and moving on. You have to decide what you want, and I have to decide if I can forgive you for this. If our marriage is going to have a fighting chance we have to be on the same page.” Apolo nods in agreement.

“I’m sorry, Michelle. I’m so sorry for putting you through this. Both of you and myself. I should have had these talks with myself and with you long before we walked down that aisle and got married.” Michelle sighs.

“Yes, you should have. But sometimes the hardest person in the whole world to be honest with, is yourself.”

“I do love you,” he says quietly, like he’s not sure she’ll want to hear it.

“I know you do. But do you love me more than you love JR?” she doesn’t wait for an answer, just stands up to leave the living room. “You can sleep in the guest room tonight. I need a little room to think and you look like you could use the same.” She leaves Apolo sitting slumped on the couch, alone to think.

 

They do a lot of talking and arguing and even a bit of straight up fighting over the next few months, but overall Michelle handles the whole thing a lot better than Apolo had originally thought she would.

August rolls around and they celebrate in a state of limbo. Apolo cooks dinner, and Michelle bakes a cake and they spend the night at home, talking about all the good parts of their marriage. All the ways they’d clicked in the very beginning, and the fun they’d had in the past year. There is not talking about the issues they were having.

Short track Olympic trials happen a few weeks later. When NBC had first called to ask if he would be able to attend, he’d discussed it with Michelle before agreeing to go. Their couples therapist had thought it would be a good test for them both. How would Michelle handle knowing Apolo was going off to see and likely interact with JR? And how would Apolo react to seeing the younger man for the first time in months?

So Apolo goes and he’s presented with a changed JR. JR is happy. Genuinely happy. It’s like the JR of two years ago has reclaimed his body and replaced the angry intense, heart-broken JR with his younger smiling jubilant un-damaged self. Apolo keeps his distance the entire week. The last thing he wants is to upset the other man, or interfere in any way. Besides JR had made his feelings on Apolo’s ‘prying’ very clear the last time they’d seen each other.

Apolo sits in the audience, and watches JR outrace every other competitor at trials at every single distance. He even, magically, out skates Simon in the 500m, his least competitive race.

When the whole thing is said and done, he gets to sit down with the whole team for an interview and JR never once loses his smile. JR is joined on the Olympic Team by Travis, Simon, Kyle Uyehara and Jeff Simon, with John Henry Krueger rounding out the team as their alternate in case of injury.

Apolo leaves Salt Lake City, UT, without ever once having made physical contact with JR and while his brain screams that this is a great thing and that Michelle will be happy, Apolo’s heart feels like it’s breaking all over again.

When he steps into the house, Michelle is waiting for him in the living room, an expectant look on her face. Apolo sits down beside her.

“I don’t think I can do this anymore,” he says not looking at her. “I think you should just file the papers. I’ll give you whatever you want in the settlement.” Michelle presses close to his side, sliding her arm around him.

“He still loves you too?” she asks. Apolo shakes his head.

“No. I think he is well and truly over me actually,” he says, fighting the growing lump in his throat.

“Then I don’t understand…” Michelle says.

“He’s happy,” he replies, turning to look at her. He hopes she won’t notice the tears gathering in the corner of his eyes. “He’s doing great. He’s smiling and kicking ass on the ice. He’s laughing and joking with his friends and racing better than ever before. But I’m miserable inside. I love you. But I’m making you just as miserable as I am and I can’t keep doing this to us both. So I want you to file. Because you deserve so much better than this. Than me.” He stands up and walks away without waiting for a response.

 

Michelle insists they each leave with what they brought into the marriage financially and materially. Joint property is divided up evenly, and anything that neither of them wants is sold and the money divided right down the middle. That includes the house. They sell the house for a modest profit, taking advantage of a small upswing in the market. Michelle packs up her belongings and moves to NYC. Apolo moves into a condo near the beach. It takes months before the whole thing is legal and thankfully, miraculously, the press somehow misses the finalization. Apolo takes a trip up to Seattle over Christmas to see his Dad. He tells him everything. He talks for hours, and his voice is hoarse by the time he’s done. But Yuki now knows everything. That he’s bisexual, about JR, and Michelle, and the marriage, and the divorce. Yuki watches silently the whole time as Apolo unloads years worth of frustrations and secrets and inner turmoil.

When Apolo finally goes silent, he waits quietly for a reaction. Part of him is expecting to be disowned, or reprimanded. For Yuki to be disappointed, or furious. But Yuki is neither. Instead he stands from his arm chair, walks to where Apolo has stopped in his pacing, and reaches up with work-worn hands to cradle Apolo’s face.

“Apolo, you are my son!” he says with a small smile. “You are my son, always. No matter what, you could have come to me. But you have now and that is all that matters.” He pulls Apolo closer by the shoulders, and hugs him tight. For the first time in a really long time, Apolo lets himself cry.


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2

It is time, Apolo decides, to really and truly let go of a lot of things. Apolo has lived by a Zero Regrets mentality for years and for some reason, he knows, he’s not always applied it to his relationships with people. It’s not about living without regrets in your past. It’s about not dwelling on them, and about doing everything you can in the present to make sure you won’t look back later and ask “what if?”

He hadn’t loved JR with all that he was. If he had, he knows, Michelle would never have been more than a good friend. And if he’d loved her like she had deserved his feelings for JR wouldn’t have been a factor in his relationship with her. He hadn’t been willing to let go of his fear in order to love JR right. He’d let the fear stop him. And he hadn’t been able to let go of JR to make his marriage work with Michelle. So he knows he’ll always regret those mistakes and the pain they’d caused. Those missteps had hurt them all in the end.

Going forward he considers his lessons to be hard-learned if still emotionally draining. But he works to move past them. 5 months after filing for divorce, and 2 months after its official, Apolo’s plane sets down in Sochi, Russia, for the 2014 Winter Olympic Games.

His room, paid for by NBC, is a in a brand new hotel near downtown. It’s close to both the skating Oval and the office building the American media has taken over for the duration. His room is small, but it has an amazing view and he doesn’t have to share, so he doesn’t mind the lack of space.

The athletes start arriving a few days after the media, and soon Apolo’s days are filled to the max with commentary, interviews, watching competitions, and in his rare time off, soaking up his first Olympic experience where he’s not the athlete everyone’s gunning for.

He watches, and comments, as JR wins the 1500m gold and the 1000m silver. He watches as JR places 4th in the 500m, behind Simon and two Koreans, but leads the USA relay team to their first ever relay gold. Two gold medals and a silver. That’s a pretty damn good medal haul. Better than Apolo had ever managed to achieve, and he’s not afraid to say so. Publicly.

Sitting down with the five of them at the end of the media blitz following their win, he tells them all on air how proud he is of them. He gets their reactions, asks a few questions of each of them before turning to JR.

“Two gold medals and a silver. You’re up to five medals now when we add in your two bronze medals from Vancouver. What next? Another run at the Olympics? Pyeong-Chang in 2018?” he asks. JR grins.

“I don’t know. Right this minute, I just want to enjoy where I am, and what we’ve all just been through. I think I’ve earned at least a short break. But who knows? My life has been a bit of a roller coaster ride for the past few years. This is a pretty good high point. I think I’d like to just enjoy it before looking at the next big hill I’d have to climb going into another Olympic Games.” Apolo nods. He knows.

“What about records? Not tempted to try to make your own mark in the record books. You’ve just proved that you are more than capable of winning three medals in a single games. A repeat performance in 2018, would tie you with my record of 8. Is that a goal of yours?” JR takes a few seconds before answering.

“I’ve never been about breaking records. That’s not why I skate. I’ve learned in the last few years that I can’t live my life according to someone else’s plans or schedules. I have to do what makes me happy. You’re the best short track speed skater in the history of our sport. My winning 3 more medals wouldn’t change a thing.” Apolo smiles at him, and hopes his expression doesn’t give too much away.

“I think I know more than one person who would definitely disagree.”

 

When the interview is over, Apolo walks with the guys off the NBC set to chat for a minute. JR disappears to go track down a bottle of water, and Apolo is descended upon by both Travis & Simon.

“Dude, Apolo, what’s been going on?” Simon asks.

“Yeah, man. After Trials you kind of just disappeared on us! No calls. No texts. It’s like we didn’t exist anymore!” Travis adds. Apolo shrugs.

“You know me. I got a lot of stuff going on. Sorry if I’ve been a bit out of it. What about you guys? Enjoying your place as Olympic Champions?” he asks. The smile that over takes Simon’s face is huge.

“It’s fucking awesome!” he proclaims. Travis rolls his eyes, but pats Simon on the shoulder.

“Yeah, yeah. Don’t let those two Gold medals go completely to your head!” he says indulgently.

“So what’s next for you, Travis? Another games?” Apolo asks. Travis shrugs.

“I don’t think I have another four years of training left in me. Besides I think Aly would kill me!” he laughs. Then surprise blooms over his face. “Dude, I totally forgot! Clear your schedule the first week in June. You aren’t getting out of coming to my wedding!” Apolo feels genuine happiness bubble up in his chest.

“You dog! You finally asked her?” he asks. Travis grins and shrugs his shoulders.

“You liar!” Simon says, he turns to Apolo. “You know Aly! She basically told him that’s what was happening and that if he didn’t like it he could move his lazy ass out of her house!” Simon crows. Travis goes to smack him but the younger man ducks away laughing.

“Congratulations, Trav. I’m really happy for you and Dudek, both!” he says, squeezing Travis’s shoulder. Travis grins at him.

“So do you think you and Michelle will be able to make it? It’s gonna be pretty small. Informal. Just close friends and family,” Travis asks. Apolo pauses unsure how to respond. JR returns just then. He watches JR suck back half a bottle of water in one go, a little transfixed by the working of JR’s throat.

“Are you talking about the wedding again?” JR asks. He looks at Apolo and rolls his eyes. “I swear he’s more excited about the whole thing than Aly is and she’s the bride!” Apolo laughs. “You’ll be able to make it won’t you? Mr. Hollywood?” JR asks. Apolo’s smile dims.

“Yeah. Definitely. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. But..” he takes a deep breath. “Tell Aly she only has to find room for me on the seating chart.” He focuses on Travis’ expression, sees confusion and concern there. “Michelle’s not to keen to go to weddings with me. Not anymore.”

“You guys having problems?” Travis asks, sympathy pouring out in his tone.

“Not since the divorce was finalized. Things between us have sort of been looking up since then, actually,” Apolo forces a laugh at the shocked look on their faces. “Guys, it’s ok. It was a mutual decision and it was really for the best.” Simon and Travis both nod, but Apolo can’t bring himself to look in JR’s direction. “You guys are probably exhausted and starving. I think craft services put out a spread earlier. If you guys hurry you might get to have a bite before Jeff and John Henry eat it all.” They both smile and nod, not sure how to react to his bombshell. Simon reaches out to shake Apolo’s hand.

“It was good to see you,” Simon says sincerely.

“You too, Simon. I’m really proud of how great you’re doing. Keep up the good work.” Simon laughs again.

“Thanks man, See you around!” Apolo to turns to Travis as Simon wanders away.

“Congratulations, on the medal and the wedding. You and Aly… you’re perfect for each other. I wish you all the best.”

“Thanks. I’m sorry to hear about…” Travis trains off but Apolo smiles in reply.

“It’s ok. No need to feel sorry. I think it was for the best,” Travis nods. “Send me the details. I’ll clear the whole week!” he promises. Travis’s grin grows bright again.

“Definitely. Later!” he turns to chase after Simon. Apolo watches him go, acutely aware of JR standing silently beside him.

“Shouldn’t you go grab something to eat before those guys eat it all?” Apolo asks. JR steps in front of him, into his field of view.

“You’re divorced.” It’s not said like it’s a question. More like a statement of fact.

“Yes,” Apolo replies, turning to leave the room. He heads down the hallway toward the dressing room he’d been assigned for the day. He moves quickly, JR following and keeping pace easily.

“When did this happen? Why didn’t you tell me?” JR asks. Apolo opens the door and motions for JR to go inside but the younger man just stares at him.

“I’d rather not discuss this in a hallway if you don’t mind,” Apolo says quietly. JR enters the room, his face expressionless. Apolo follows him, closing the door behind himself and tugging at his tie. He unbuttons the cuffs of his shirt and tugs that off too. He leaves the two of them on the table to be collected by wardrobe later.

“Now what is it you want to know,” he asks.

“When did this happen? And why didn’t you tell me?” JR asks crossing his arms over his chest.

“Michelle filed the Monday after Olympic Trials. It was official just before Christmas. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t think you’d care.” He turns to his duffel bag near the wall, finding a sweatshirt, he pulls it on over his t-shirt.

“Two months? How could you think I wouldn’t care?” JR asks. Apolo freezes turning to look at the younger man.

“Oh, I don’t know. The previous year and a half of you yelling at me and telling me to leave you alone. The demands that I stop prying into your personal life. The complete lack of reaction to seeing me last September,” he pauses.

“Apolo,” JR says, crossing his arms, and shaking his head.

“What!? You hate me, JR. Why would I call you up and tell you that my marriage was over just a year after it began when you told me you never wanted to see me again? Was I just supposed to call you up one day out of the blue? Oh hey, JR! I know you kind of hate my guts, and my wife, and the fact that I married her and not you. But good news! It’s all crashed and burned and I’m single again. I know you kind of wish I’d drop dead and stop pestering you, and you’re probably really happy and have seemingly moved on. But I just thought you should know you were right after all. Marrying Michelle was the biggest mistake I could possibly make. You were right!” Apolo finishes. He watches surprise filter through JR’s face. Apolo shakes his head. “To be honest, I didn’t want to hear ‘I told you so.’ Because I’d have deserved it. I hurt you, and Michelle, and myself, because of fear and I will pay for that mistake for the rest of my life. I just didn’t want to deal with you being happy that my marriage had ended. Or even worse, not caring either way,” he stops then. He studies JR’s face for a moment, but the emotions there are too jumbled for him to read.

“Look, I’m proud of you. And I know that probably means nothing to you. Not anymore. But I am. And I wish you happiness and success in everything you do. You’re one of the best people I’ve ever met. If anyone deserves a good life, it’s you. And I’m trying my damndest to let you go. Because you, just like Michelle, deserve way better than me.” JR stares at him, jaw dropped open and rendered speechless. “Goodbye, JR,” Apolo says quietly. Scooping up his jacket and bag, he leaves the dressing room and JR behind.

 

Apolo heads back to his hotel room. His work in Sochi is almost finished. The next evening would be the closing ceremony, and NBC was preparing an afternoon of wrap-up coverage to proceed the ceremony. An hour of voice over work for the speed skating event reviews and he’ll be done. Dropping his stuff by the door, he plops down wearily on the edge of the bed. Putting his head in his hands, he groans before scrubbing his hands up his face and back through his hair.

His life is a mess. A disaster in nearly every single aspect. The only things not imploding around him are his relationship with his father, and his career. The two things that a year ago he’d been worried about the most. He’s been avoiding his friends, avoiding short track in an effort to give JR his space. His marriage is over and JR hates him. He’s 32 years old, divorced, out of touch with his sport and his friends, and the real love of his life wants nothing to do with him. It hits him then, all at once, and he sort of crumples over, his chest feeling hollow and empty. He presses his hand over his heart just to prove to himself it’s still beating, and gasps for air.

He lets himself wallow for several minutes before pulling himself up again. It won’t do him any good to think only about the negative, or focus solely on the past. Standing up again, he straightens his back and shoulders, and flipping on the light steps up to the mirror in the bathroom. He stares at his reflection for a few minutes.

“You fucked up. A lot. But you’re a better man than this. Tomorrow you pick yourself up and you make changes.” He nods at himself, and taking a deep breath starts to get ready for bed. First a long hot shower.

It’s while he’s toweling his hair dry that he hears the banging. Stepping out of the bathroom, he wraps a towel around his waist, and goes to the hotel room door. He looks through the peephole, and leaning away, unlocks and opens the door. JR wastes no time in pushing past him into the room. Apolo sighs, reclosing the door and turning to face the younger man. JR yanks off his jacket, tossing it into the empty armchair in the corner, and rounds on Apolo.

For a moment they just stare at each other. Apolo doesn’t know what to say. Suddenly he’s just tired. He wants to go to bed, and sleep and sleep for as long as humanly possible. He doesn’t want to fight with JR. and he doesn’t want to be yelled at either. He crosses his arms over his bare chest and waits, sure JR will start shouting at any moment. But JR doesn’t say a word, so Apolo breaks the silence.

“JR, was there something you needed?” he asks. JR’s face changes then, his expression changing, hardening, and he’s across the room in less than a second’s time. Apolo has just enough reaction time to get his hands up, ready and braced for a fist fight, before JR’s on him. But JR doesn’t hit him. Instead he kisses him. Apolo’s knocked backward into the hotel room door, bare back pressed to cold smooth wood. The force of the contact knocks the breath from his lungs, and JR’s mouth attaching to his blocks him from sucking in a fresh supply of oxygen. It doesn’t take but a few seconds for him to start to get a little dizzy, half with the need to breathe, and half with the overwhelming feel of JR,JR JR JR!, pressed all up against him, hands clutching, and lips taking. His hands clench in JR’s cotton t-shirt, holding the taller man tightly against his front, head tilting to deepen the kiss before he can over think the situation. When his vision starts to go a little dim, he finally pulls away, gasping for air, and whimpering a little at the hands scratching down his sides, and tugging at his towel clad hips.

“JR?” he gasps, looking at the younger man for an explanation, but JR shakes his head, face determined, and hands intent. He yanks at the towel around Apolo’s waist, and once he gets the knot undone, lets it drop down to the floor, moving to press in close to Apolo’s body and retake his mouth. Apolo groans, hands tearing at JR’s t-shirt in response, his mouth invaded by a questing tongue, and lips quickly bruising from sharp teeth. His hands, shaking and clumsy, find the hem of JR’s shirt and push it up, trying desperately to reach smooth warm skin. JR breaks the kiss, pulling away briefly to remove the white shirt, pressing back close again. And Apolo shudders at the contact of bare chest to bare chest. JR pulls him close, hands wandering across Apolo’s skin. He reaches down to grip Apolo’s ass, and Apolo finds himself growling around JR’s tongue, pushing back against JR’s body with just as much want and need. He breaks the kiss this time, biting down the ridge of JR’s jaw, to the thick chorded muscles of his neck. JR whines then, nails biting into the flesh of Apolo’s thighs. He yanks Apolo up and in, and Apolo strains to keep his feet on the ground, surprised by the younger man’s sudden strength. He gasps, breaking his hold on JR’s neck, and in his lapse of control, finds himself being manhandled away from the wall and across the small hotel room to the bed.

Apolo bounces when he hits the mattress and stares up at JR, out of breath and just a touch confused. But JR looks like he knows exactly what is going on, even as he kicks off his shoes, and starts to unbuckle his belt and pants. Apolo pushes himself up to lay further in the bed, unable to pull his eyes away from JR’s face. JR gets his fly open, but doesn’t bother pushing them down, just climbs up onto the bed to straddle Apolo’s waist, and bends down to take his mouth. Apolo gasps, tugging him closer with one hand in JR’s hair, the other going down to push at JR’s jeans. They’re loose enough to slide down over JR’s ass with little effort from Apolo, and soon he’s sliding his hand under the waistband of JR’s underwear, the other keeping JR’s mouth pressed tightly to his own.

It’s familiar, JR’s kiss, the weight of him pressing down on Apolo, hot and hard, touching in all the right places. Apolo groans, breaking the kiss to breathe, and only whining a little when JR’s mouth doesn’t come back to his, but instead starts a long, slow, course down his neck to Apolo’s chest. JR bites there, just under Apolo’s collarbone, and even though it will definitely cause a bruise, Apolo can’t bring himself to care. He clutches at JR, one hand on his ass and the other on the back of his neck, holding him close, and letting him do what he wants. He doesn’t care if JR leaves a thousand bruises as long as he keeps doing that thing with his mouth and his teeth. JR picks his head up, looking up at him with big brown eyes that make Apolo want to give the younger man anything and everything he’s ever wanted. JR pulls away, sliding his jeans and underwear off, and coming back to stretch out beside Apolo on the bed. Apolo starts to say something but JR stops him with the shake of his head.

JR nudges him to roll over onto his stomach, and while Apolo’d preferred to do things differently, he can’t bring himself to argue. He doesn’t want to stop what’s happening. Doesn’t want to derail or deter JR from doing this. Apolo’s been dreaming about it, craving it, aching for it for over a year. So what if it’s not exactly how he’d imagined it? So few things turn out exactly as you envision they will. And this feels good. This feels amazing. JR slicks two of his fingers with lube, where it had come from, Apolo can only imagine, and presses them inside of Apolo. He moans at the push and the stretch of it. Crossing his wrists in front of him, he leans down to brace his forehead on the back of them. He pants into the small cavern created by the arch of his body and stares bleary eyed at the starched white sheets inches from his face. JR pulls his thighs wider, and Apolo readjusts to accommodate him, letting JR have him as he wants him. JR gets him slick inside, gets him relaxed. He knows just how to do it. They’d only made love this way on occasion, but enough for JR to learn his bodies responses and to know just what to do to get him ready.

JR pulls his fingers free, and Apolo automatically pushes up onto his hands and knees, legs spread wide, and head hanging low, between his arms. He shudders at the distantly familiar heat of JR’s body molding to his back, hard thighs pressing to the back of his own, and muscled abs fitting perfectly to his back as JR presses slowly inside. He arches backward, hissing at the intrusion, and relishing the burn. JR’s hips press to his ass, and JR pauses to breathe, to let him adjust. Apolo’s eyes squeeze shut. He can’t hardly believe this is happening, and some small pessimistic part of him won’t let him just enjoy having JR inside of him. Instead it screams over and over: “This is the last time! Never again! Never again!” He gasps, and stubbornly refuses to let tears break free. Instead he tenses the muscles of his arms and his back, and flexes backward into JR’s body. He hears JR’s sudden gasp for breath and the groan he lets out, and knows this won’t last long. JR’s grip on his waist tightens, and one long fingered hand slides around to grip his dick, even as JR holds him steady with the other. JR pulls his hips back and begins to move.

Apolo groans with each hard thrust of JR inside, and lets himself go. He lets himself gasp and react to each push and pull of JR’s hips against his. He’s hard as a rock, on the verge of coming within minutes, JR’s grip on his dick keeping him on edge, but not letting him fall over. Even with JR keeping him from coming, Apolo knows that neither of them will last. They’ve been apart for far too long, he’s been wanting and yearning for JR too much, and it’s too good between them for it to last forever.

JR’s body blankets his, pressing into and against his own everywhere possible. He relishes the glide of JR’s abs against his back, the heat of JR’s forehead pressed to the center of his back between his shoulders, JR’s audible pants for air gusting hot and damp down his spine. JR’s thighs feel massive flexing against his own, the strength in them making Apolo’s toes curl. JR groans, the desperate high-pitch groan that borders on a whine and Apolo almost loses it. He knows that sounds. He knows what it means. JR’s close. JR’s hips pick up their pace, and Apolo cries out at the mercilessly repetitive motion of JR’s dick against his prostate. His hands slide across the sheets, lowering his head to rest against the mattress, his hands tangling in the sheet to try and find purchase. He feels JR pick his head up, straightening his posture, his weight shifting to rest on his heels. He keeps thrusting, but the angles changed, and Apolo’s reduced to low whimpering sounds of pained pleasure. He wants to come. He needs to come. One of JR’s hands clenches around his dick, the other sliding up to brace against Apolo’s left shoulder blade. It slides down and around, across Apolo’s ribcage to rest over his heart, nails pressing small crescent shaped marks into Apolo’s chest.

“Apolo,” JR whispers, voice breathless and hoarse. That’s all it takes and Apolo falls over the edge, crying out, and coming. JR gasps, hips still thrusting against Apolo’s, hand still moving on his dick.

“JR!” Apolo cries weakly, going limp against the mattress, his arms finally giving out completely. He reaches for JR’s hands. He presses JR’s left hand more firmly to his heart, the other going down to tighten JR’s grip on his softening erection. JR shudders against him, hugging him closer, and crying out, even as his hips stutter in their rhythm. He pulls back haltingly, slamming back inside one last time, hard enough to make Apolo shout, and then stays there, coming inside of Apolo. He groans into Apolo’s shoulder, clutching him closer, and shifting his hips in small little thrusts like they can’t bear to stay still.

Apolo shuts his eyes, hands holding tight to JR’s, afraid to let them go, and have JR pull away. He wants this moment to last. Wants to memorize every precious second of it, so he’ll never forget it. They sink down by inches to lay across the mattress, and Apolo hardly even notices that he’s lying in the wet spot. He’s too focused on JR’s body weight pressing down on his, his dick softening and sliding out of Apolo’s ass. He holds tight to JR’s hands, their arms trapped between their bodies and the bed, both of their chests heaving for air, skin sweat damp, and quickly cooling in the stale hotel room air. JR tugs at one hand, the one still wrapped around Apolo’s dick, and Apolo reluctantly releases it, knowing the moment is over. But JR doesn’t pull away. He pulls his arm free, braces himself on the mattress, and uses the leverage to move further up the bed. He remolds himself to Apolo’s back, tugs Apolo over to lie on his side, and pulls the pillow over to slide under their heads. Then he wiggles his arm back under Apolo’s body to tug him close, his hand coming to rest on Apolo’s stomach. His other hand never leaves it’s spot over Apolo’s heart. Apolo doesn’t dare say a word. He just presses his shoulders and hips back into JR, and threads his fingers through JR’s where they rest on his belly.

“I thought I’d lost you for good. That you’d chosen her, and you’d never be mine again,” JR says quietly. Apolo sighs, not wanting to respond to those words, but knowing he has too.

“I couldn’t let you go. I tried so hard. I couldn’t stop loving you and wanting you. I couldn’t stay with her when I loved you more. But I was afraid I’d missed my chance,” he explains. JR presses a kiss to the side of Apolo’s neck. “I’m sorry,” Apolo whispers, his voice breaking in the middle. JR squeezes him tight for a second.

“Stop. You can never say it enough, and it makes me nauseas when you do say it. Give me a little time and I’ll be able to finish forgiving you,” he says. Apolo feels his heart skip a beat. He turns a little to look back over his shoulder at JR.

“You’ve already started forgiving me?” he asks. It’s inconceivable. Before JR can respond Apolo’s cell phone goes off on the side table. JR pulls one hand free from Apolo’s grip and picks up the phone. He hands it to Apolo without answering it.

“It could be Yuki,” he says with a smile.

“I told him about you,” Apolo says, taking the phone, and answering the phone without checking the caller ID. He rolls over onto his back, next to JR, watches the shocked smile spread across JR’s face. “Hello?” he asks.

“Apolo? It’s Michelle.” Apolo freezes.

“Umm,” his brow furrows. “Hey, Michelle,” he says. He watches JR’s forehead crease in confusion but shrugs his shoulders in response. He tugs JR closer, and reaches up to run his fingers along the curve of JR’s collar bone.

“I know we haven’t talked in a while, but I just wanted to call and check on you.”

“Check on me? I’m doing fine,” he replies. JR settles against him, watching intently as Apolo talks to his ex-wife on the phone.

“I just thought you might need to talk. About JR I mean. Seeing him again must be hard,” she says sounding sympathetic.

“JR?” Apolo asks, vaguely distracted by the tattoo spread out across JR’s chest. JR jumps a little at the mention of his name and Apolo looks up to meet his eyes.

“Yes. I know you think it’s over with him for good. But I’m not convinced,” she says with a laugh.

“Why do you say that?” Apolo asks, smiling. JR’s frown deepens.

“They just aired the interview you did with the relay team. Apolo… he couldn’t take his eyes off of you! Not the entire interview. Every single time they showed him on camera he was staring at you. Even when his teammates were talking, he never turned to look at them.” Michelle says.

”He didn’t?” Apolo asks, amused by the notion. He runs his fingers down JR’s shoulder, following the line of muscles down JR’s upper arm. He fights not to laugh when JR poses, flexing the muscles in his bicep.

“He only had eyes for you. I really think you should try talking to him. I know things didn’t end between us on perfect terms. What marriage ending in divorce ever does? But I want you to be happy. And I think JR might be the one you’re meant to spend forever with,” she says. Apolo smiles so widely his face hurts.

“Your mouth to God’s ears,” he says. Michelle laughs on the other end of the line.

“Promise me you’ll talk to him,” she says.

“Ok,” he says with another laugh. JR pulls back a little, but doesn’t move away. Instead he presses his palms to Apolo’s chest, relearning the feel of him. He traces the crescent shaped marks his nails had left earlier and winces.

“No, really promise!” she demands. JR bends down to press a kiss to the first mark, and Apolo’s breath catches in his throat at the tenderness.

“I promise to talk to JR,” he says solemnly. JR peeks up at him looking confused. But Apolo smiles at him.

“Good! Oh wow, it’s like the middle of the night there! Get some sleep, Apolo.”

“Goodnight, Michelle. Thanks for calling,” he says. He ends the call and tosses the phone away. JR picks his head up and looks at him, one eyebrow raised expectantly. “She wanted to see how I was coping being so close to you.” JR smiles a little but doesn’t say anything. “And, she wanted me to talk to you. She says the relay interview just aired in the states and you apparently stared at me the entire time,” Apolo says it overly-sweetly, teasingly. JR blushes, burying his face in Apolo’s chest. Apolo laughs, and scratches a hand through JR’s hair with obvious affection. JR picks his head up and smiles at him crookedly.

“She knows?” he asks. Apolo nods.

“She knows we were together, that I’m still in love with you,” Apolo explains.

“She’s not angry?” JR asks. Apolo shrugs.

“She is I think. But JR, we spent like a year in counseling talking about it so it’s not like the divorce was a sudden shock to her.” JR blinks at him in surprise.

“A year? Wow… what made you decide to end it? You were so sure it was going to work out,” JR says quietly, but his voice sounds pained, and he looks away. Apolo takes a deep breath.

“You,” he says. JR’s eyes fly back to his, his brow furrowed. “You,” Apolo says again. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you. No matter how hard I tried. And I hated that I’d hurt you. And I just got to the point where I.. I just couldn’t keep pretending that I was happy with how things were. I told her about you. And she was furious. We tried for a long time, but it just didn’t work.” JR nods, and pushes up to lay his head beside Apolo’s on the pillow.

“So what happens now?” JR asks.

“That depends on you,” Apolo says, rolling onto his side to face JR.

“How so?” JR asks, smiling.

“Well… if you’re going to go to World Championships, that means I’ll have to book a ticket to Utah, and later one to London. If you’re taking the rest of the season off... Well I could be convinced to spend the rest of the winter in dank cold wonderful Seattle. My dad’s always good for letting me crash in his spare room.” JR’s smile is instantaneous.

“You’re coming with me? You don’t have to work?” he asks.

“The shows on hiatus for a few weeks, I’ve got some time to do as I please. I’ll have to head back that way in mid-April but even then, they only need me a few days a week and I wouldn’t be the first person to commute for work. If I have a chance to have you, I’m going to do everything in my power to love you right. I lost you once. I know that nothing is worth more than this. Us,” Apolo says. JR kisses him in lieu of a verbal response, and officially kicks off round two.

Later, when JR passes out curled up against him, exhausted from several good orgasms, two weeks of intense competition, and months of preparation, Apolo’s left to stare up at the ceiling wide awake. He blinks a few times, before turning to look down at JR’s sleeping face. He’s not sure this is real, or that this is actually happening. He’s half afraid to close his eyes. Scared he’ll wake up and find JR gone. That it’s all been a dream. That in reality he’s still alone, and JR still hates him. He sighs as softly as he’s able, and scrubs a hand up through his hair. The feeling of JR’s fingers closing on the skin covering his ribs in a sharp pinch has him reacting instantly.

“Ow!” he looks again down at JR, who grins a little, his eyes still closed, where his head is pillowed on Apolo’s shoulder.

“Go to sleep. I’m going to want sex in the morning before I venture out into the real world again,” he mumbles, voice sleepy.

“We don’t really have all that much going on tomorrow. You’re done competing. We could just stay in bed,” Apolo suggests.

“Sleep, Apolo. You have a voiceover to do tomorrow, and we both have closing ceremonies to attend. And if you’re lucky, I might let you kiss me during the fireworks.” Apolo blinks, closing his eyes and picturing it. He smiles at the thought of standing in a crowd full of people, pulling JR close and kissing him, while fireworks go off all around and above them. It’s a sappy sort of chick-flick romance movie ending, but he sort of likes it and grins widely. JR laughs at him again, pulling him further down in the bed, and snuggles close again. “Sleep…” he commands. Apolo laughs but complies, taking deep breaths, and relaxing his body by inches. He closes his eyes, both arms wrapped around JR’s body.

“I love you,” he says softly. JR moans a little, snuffling closer, into Apolo’s neck.

“I love you,” JR breathes, already half-way back to sleep. Apolo thinks quickly, barely awake himself that if there’s anything in his life, he isn’t willing to let go of, it is JR. He’s learned that lesson the hard way and the decision to hold on is one he knows he’ll never regret. Smiling and sated, and in love, Apolo quickly joins JR in sleep.

 

The End.


End file.
